I was trying to think up a witty and interesting blog entry today when I was interrupted by the Devil child and his Mom Helen Keller. I call her Hellen Keller because she was obviously both deaf and blind to the fact that her overly pudgy and loud child was ripping $60.00 sweaters off the hangers creating runs and tears and screaming "lets put this on Puddin!!!!!!!!"
I simply and calmly asked if he needed help...........no answer......."Damien" (I figured I'd make up an appropriate name for him myself) then proceeded to knock over a display of cat toys..shrugged and turned to the next rack..BUT!!!!!!!! not before Uncle Darren asked how fast he could pick up the toys he had strewn all over the floor...."is it faster than Mommy can get out her Visa card and pay for the damaged sweater?!?!???" of course the further subtext in my mind was "you little fuck!!"
At that point Mommy pulled her overly glazed french manicure from the earring display and turned to me with an equally glassy look from obviously too much meds and quietly said...."oh he's alright".
I levelled her with 42 years of "Cunty QUEEN" look and said...ummm yehhhhh...no he's not and either ONE of us does something because I can't afford to provide daycare for your kid while you fall asleep at the "parental wheel".
For a half awake zombie she responded pretty quickly with a "oh you obviously don't have children" followed by a condescending half lidded sneer.
"Girrrrrrrlllllllllll"....I started, but was interrupted by a butterscotch brogue behind me.
"Well dear, I have 6 children and 18 grandchildren and have considerable experience and I must tell you that your wee fat bastard could use a spoonful of "kick in the arse" as I've watched him destroy this man's store for the past few minutes and you let him!" Don't tell me you didn't notice because I saw that you did so you are to blame..maybe the kick in the arse should be yours!!"
I turned halfway through the short delivery to see what could only be described as a Zelda Sparks (short woman from Poltergeist) nanny 911 crossed with the lead singer from Aerosmith (Steven tyler) Earth mama with a party attitude stood before me.
I was startled and yet the support buoyed my next delivery.
"Sooooo thanks for coming in...have a lovely stay" as I tried to reblock two of the damaged clothing items. "and you Godzilla in cargo shorts..yer outta her!"
It was at that moment I spotted the catnip in fatty's hoodie.
"I'm being nice now.....and I you give me back what you've stolen from my store I won't call the police...I can tell by your accent that you are visiting Canada so lets keep it simple" I smiled.
Nothing was uttered. She held out her hand to him,he handed her the item and they left.
But..not before my new Scottish grandma gave me a stage whispered "Wait till he steals her car" loud enough for all to hear.
We were ON THE FLOOR howling with laughter! What a shit disturber! I LOVED HER!!
I gave her whatever she was buying for her Lab.
Marlene, come on back any time and the doggy biscuits AND drinks are on me!
So the sign on the outside of the store will read "ALL DOGS ARE ALLOWED...NOT ALL CHILDREN"
I waited for her to respond but the sound I heard next was from a
Friday, August 1, 2008
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